I don't know about anyone else, but to me my mom has always been the number one person in my heart.
Yes, she may be naggy and annoying sometimes that she could drive me up the wall. Like seriously annoying to the point shouting back at her was needed. I would feel so guilty later, but she never brings it up again. She keeps quiet and continues her job as a housewife and mother of 3. She has endured so much in her heart, I don't know how she is able to leave things be.
I remembered when I saw her cry the first time in my life. I think I was in year 9 or 10. It was when her mother passed away. I can't recall if this was before or after the funeral, but whatever it is, I have never seen her mourn so hard, it hurt me to see her cry like that. I cried with her too.
I was never close to my grandma, as I never grew up anywhere near her. I would see her once a year until we hit a financial wall where we couldn't have our once a year holiday. So I've never really had any connections with her. Sometimes I envy some people who still has their grandparents and is very close to them. But I know I couldn't change anything anyway.
It was painful to watch my mom cry. It wasn't silent cries either. It was enough for us all to keep quiet and sit by her side. It got me thinking back then. I would like to marry in my early twenties, give birth and let my kids grow up with their grandma, let them know how awesome of a mother she is.
She has never let me down. From the time I was born until today, she would take care of me. I know she loves all 3 of us, that's why she had to leave for almost a year when I was in year 9. She wanted to raise more money so she could send them to my brother in Malaysia, to ease his financial burden. I can imagine how much hell she went through. She had been a housewife eversince her marriage with my dad. She did not have any skills to work in high paying jobs, so if I am not mistaken, she had to work in a canteen in Singapore. She cycles herself to work everyday. Serving customers their food and cleaning up after they have finished their meal. I don't know where she stayed, but I'm sure it was with a relative from her side.
There was an upside when she left though. I was a little more independent, and I got closer to Greg and my dad. My dad on the other hand had to take care of Greg and I. Not much though but more than enough, just taking care of our transport and had dinner with us almost every night. He didn't go out dinner with his friends often. Only if he had to liaise with customers then he didn't have dinner with us. My uncle Ivan was in Brunei that time. He's like the father of the house when my dad is at work. I wasn't able to jump on the computer all day hahaha. So most of the time I stayed back in school. He used to nag me for not watching the news and all that necessary stuff. Back then it was bullocks to me hahaha.
Anyway, Nigel flew to Perth to further his degree and life was much better for him. My mom came home and everything was back to normal again. By then I had entered my teenage years, and priotized my friends more than family. Even in search of a love life lol. My mom was fine though. She was too busy with housework and errands, but I'd always company her running them too. I hated going to the wet market with her compared to the times when I was younger. Its caused my mom and I, our skin tone is quite a big difference, and when I did join her, I could see so many stares from people at the market. I felt, what do you call that, insecure? I don't know. But it felt like I was my mom's maid, not daughter. So since then I didn't join her. And the fish market, alot of stares too. I don't know is it because they think I'm my mom's maid, or I was pretty rofl. I was just incredibly uncomfortable with it. So, gone with the wind, that tradition of mine with my mom.
When it was time for me and Greg to leave Brunei to go to Perth, my dad suggested my mom to join us, so she could take care of us. But we were too busy adjusting ourselves to our new lives, and we needed to explore Perth. We couldn't bring her around, as we were clueless, and we just didn't have the time. Its all a blurr to me now, there was issues with the rent, or financial, and with the people around us as it was a share house, but I knew she was unhappy. So she had to go. She was bored to death. I swore next time I would make it easier for her.
I cried watching the taxi pick her up and leave. I think she cried too. As it was finally goodbye for until God knows when I was able to come home to Brunei since tickets were expensive. There weren't any cheap flights at that time, so $1200 each was very costly for Greg and I.
We didn't call home much as well because its too expensive. So we talk once a month or something. It was quite a shitty feeling, but at the same time I was able to put it aside, keeping myself busy. Socializing, uni, cell groups as well and etc.
After two years here, I finally saved enough money from my part time work, and with the help of my dad, to go home for holiday. My mom would always call because she was so excited. She'd buy $10 call cards almost every few days. She would tell me she bought and raised chickens so when I come home, I have her awesome steam chicken again, and many other dishes I loved. When I return to home, I could see her efforts. My room was tidy, she had laid out new bed sheets, bathrooms cleaned etc. All day long she would prepare breakfast, lunch and dinner for me. It was a good holiday.
After that holiday, I didn't work. Relied on my dad's allowance. The cafe I worked at closed down. But it didn't matter, because it was time for me to go home again at the end of the year, for 3 months this time because I finished my diploma, and had to wait til February for uni to reopen.
This time was a little different. When I first entered the house, I noticed huge bags of tin cans she collected. I thought she was struggling with money, but it wasn't the case. She and her mahjong gang drinks a lot of 100plus, enough to the point she might as well get something back from the empty cans lol. Scared me to death lol. I also noticed she collected a lot of boxes. I guess she was preparing for when my dad decides to retire, so she could be ready to pack up. Again, she would call me often before my flight, and tell me the same things.
2011, however, I could see more of her efforts. I found out I had inflamed kidneys, and I needed to go home for medical purposes. At that time I had just finished my degree. When I arrived in Brunei, she looked at me like I was a cancer patient. She was so so so so worried. Everyday she would boil me soup which contained traditional chinese herbs. She accompanied me to Malaysia to get my checkups. She was by my side until I have recovered. Which I did. I didn't need surgery, but I still needed to gain back my weight, as I looked really 'dry' and frail. She even asked around for kidney specialists and etc, got advices from people she knew had kidney problems. She was just...so strong about it. But I let my pride take over. Told her I am fine, I didn't need all this, and to stop looking at me like I have cancer and I'd drop dead anytime.
Who wants to see their daughter, worked and study so hard, developed kidney problems and lost a lot of weight? Every mother on earth doesn't. I only realised that after I left Brunei.
I was applying for my temporary residency at that time so I had to go back to Perth. My mom decided to come early before my graduation and wanted to fly on her birthday, and I reckon its ok this time for her to come. We had a house, shared with people still, but they are from Brunei as well and we had been friends for long time, compared to the first house we were in, sharing with a bunch of strangers. My mom was able to roam around freely, do the gardens, cook for us all (with share money ofcourse). She wasn't bored at all. She always cooked me lunch, and drops by at my work place to give me my food. Sometimes she would come by after my work, and we'd buy groceries, and walk home together. I was still very busy working though, and I just met Skip at that time as well, so I was pretty much busy at night dating him lol. She had to sleep in my brother's room, on the floor, on a thin mattress because we didn't have an extra room for her with a proper bed. And she said she was fine with it.
I would download hong kong series for her to keep her busy at night when all the chores are finished. This time she stayed for 2 months and I'm glad she was happy. She left once I have gained some weight and have completely healed from my kidney problems. In her eyes, as long as I have gained weight, I am completely healed.
I did not feel any void when she left though. Skip was with me, and my schedule was too busy I had no time to feel sad. I missed her dearly though.
I returned Brunei for 3 weeks in 2012 for Chinese New Year. It was great to be home again, but my heart was with Skip and Habibi in Perth. Nonetheless, I still enjoyed my stay in Brunei, back with my family. As usual, my mom took care of me. I was spoilt rotten every time I returned home.
This year, I returned to Brunei again. I had worked my ass off I deserved to be spoilt again! Haha. What was awesome, she came back to Perth with me and Skip, and Greg too.
I have a car now, and a even better house. Skip, Greg, me and another housemate, Ros. I have 2 cars as well, so we are able to bring her around. Skip has been a great help too, seeing how I don't have a license, I am still dependent of him. I really appreciate him and his help. He made my mom's stay much easier. She has a room and a queen size bed all to herself. We did not allow her to buy her own cigarettes as we provided them for her, I paid the groceries and etc. I did not want her to spend anything on us anymore. Its her time now. Yet, she wouldn't accept it. In her defense, she didn't want us to spend too much. I reckon that wasn't necessary. We are working and earning enough. She's a housewife. The money she has is allowance from my dad. I'd rather she keep it for herself.
I guess she was worried because when we returned to Perth, I didn't have shifts. I wasn't making money. I dug up my savings, but I didn't tell her that ofcourse. I didn't job hunt either, because, well to be honest, I had enough of being unsure where to work and if I can get another job. I didn't want her to feel bored too, so if I can, I would spend all my time for her. Bring her around, do the chores with her, although she tells me to go away when I insist on helping :s. I would wake up at 10 or 11 everyday and I would sit down have a smoke with her, talk to her, eat with her and etc. She would company us when we take the dogs for walk. I would company her watch her hong kong series. She wouldn't even go to bed unless we go to bed, but half the time we stay up til 5am, so she ends up going to bed first. Having her here is such a delight, I don't want her to go.
Today I wake up at 10. The house is so quiet. I have a smoke alone. There is food prepared by her from last night's dinner. Its just so empty. I miss her so much. But I cannot keep her with me. My dad and eldest brother need her too. Not to clean up and provide food for them, but because in Brunei, it is empty and quiet too. She would be better off there than here, where she has her routine and her comfort zone to be in.
I miss her so much and I love her so much.
I have never told her I loved her before. In my family, we rarely say it. We are not like other people who would openly say "love you mom". But I show it by offering to take her anywhere, asks her if she is bored and wants to do anything, pay for her, offer to buy her new clothes and jewelleries, but she won't accept it. She would rather look ugly than allowing us to "waste" money on her.
I want her to be able to look good again, after all these years of being a housewife, putting her looks aside, putting the things she loved before aside. My mom has sacrificed so much for us. We are her reason for living, her purpose to go on in life.
I just want to thank her for always taking care of me, for being by my side whenever she could, for putting us all before herself, for putting up with our teenage years, and our intolerance at her nags, for always cooking for us, making sure we are healthy, for giving so much to us and for giving us life.
As I wake up today, not seeing her on the couch, I felt like I lost my purpose.
I know I will see her again, when I go back to Brunei or when she comes again. All I know is, I miss her company, her presence, and her love. I miss her so much, it hurts.
I love her and I'll do my best to make sure she and my dad have a good retirement.
Mom, if you ever see this post, I love you. Don't forget that.
