Closure

Its 5 to 3am. Was woken up by Amoi growling. No idea whats up. Maybe she doesn't recognize the sounds Greg is making at the office. Gaming or something. Sat up..had a smoke.. and suddenly I am thinking too much.

Closure.

Something I always never get most of the time. With friends especially. I have gone through friendships falling apart that I've cherished so much. And all I wanted to know was Why? Most of the time I am certain I did not cause the trouble. Not these recent years. The last one I did, I've managed to grow a backbone, drop my pride and ego and apologized. And it was to a bunch of people. Because not only did I leave someone, I left a bunch of them. My mindset was, I wanted nothing to do with that person and whoever is linked to that person. Because all I see is updates and what not of them, and it made me unhappy. If that were to happen to the "me" now, I would actually smile and think.. "I am glad someone else makes you happy". I am thankful to them for accepting my mistakes and flaws and given me a chance to prove myself. Thank you.

But with friendships... sometimes.. I wonder is it me who is oblivious? I am someone who thinks ALOT. I read between lines alot, I watch their movements alot, and the worst part, I make assumptions from that. But how can you blame me most of the time? I am left in the dark with my mind with no answers when I literally begged for one.

So if begging for an answer wasn't the solution, seeing how low I have to go just to get my closure, what is the solution? I tried waiting. Atleast maybe if this person is feeling anger towards me, waiting will help cool the person down, and then approach, or else I'd get burned. Nope. Wrong again. I say I'm sorry, but its fun for them to watch me on my knees begging. But have I approached wrongly? Have I used the wrong words? Have I not read the person's mind?? It drove me nuts!! And all I can think of is "What did I do???" Yes, whoever has angst against me, reading this will go "Stupid girl, how can you not see?". How can I?? I am million of miles away, continents apart, living a life here where I need to fend for myself. How the fuck should I know what you are unhappy about if you DONT TELL ME? Will what you say hurt me? Will it make me think less of you? I don't care. I just want to know why so we can, I can, fucking move on.

Why is it so important to me? Why is it so important to people wanting closure? So we can move on. So we can finally let go, since they have let go. Is it fun to watch me clinging on? Grinning there with your hands in the air, strings attached to the ends of your fingers, connecting to my whole body, playing me like a puppet. If that is the case...does that mean YOU don't have closure? wtf is closure???

Seriously. I lost a friend years ago. I never knew why the person was so mad at me. I tried my best. I went to see the person, I brought gifts, I considered their busy schedule, I offered help, I organize events to bring everyone together.. but yet.. I get slapped in the face. What for? Til this fucking very day I don't know why. Just tell me why and I'll leave forever. I can't come crawling saying I'm sorry if I can't see what I did wrong on my end. Is the person even expecting a 'sorry'??

And then there is another one. We led our lives as normal. We communicate when we can. The most out of a whole circle of friends. I made this person the first amongst them all. All of a sudden, I am left alone.

Enough is enough.

Instead of closure, mate, I've come to terms now. With myself. I know I did what I could. I will have to say this once and for all because I have realised our mindset has changed.. My heart, mind and soul has surpass yours to the point we no longer think and feel the same. My experiences has shaped me to someone whom you can't relate. My struggles are different to yours. And because I know we are too different.. I no longer need that closure I longed from you. With that, I am ready to say goodbye.

Goodbye mate. It was a good run. If I see you, or you see me, I'd smile. If I don't receive one back, a single fuck won't be given. Because right now, deep down.. the one who needs closure, is you. So here's my closure to you.