The 5 cent comment

Just when I was feeling all jolly from work. It was busy, it was challenging, time flew like nothing. I liked it. But towards the end, a customer made a comment and that just ruined my whole day.

It wasn't fun being reminded of my situation. I tried my best brushing this feeling off, continued to strive and try harder. But an outsider said this to me and struck a nerve. I was flabbergast. Dumbfounded. I had no come back, no response, nothing. I was stuck. And stuck was what I always feel.

I am not someone who don't have dreams and goals. I am not someone who tried to make changes in life and can't get the result I want or need. When I want it I fucking go get it. And thats the problem with me. I expect so much of myself and the result, I ended up getting disappointed. What should I do? Brush it off again? No, because when finally I am reminded of it, it hits me again. And it happens over and over again I don't fucking know how to get rid of it :s.

I am a foreigner in this country. I am finding ways to stay here, without the means of the boyfriend's help or whatever he is in this country. And I've finally accepted the fact that if I can't stay, I can't stay. Australia isn't heaven. Why am I putting my whole life's core here? Maybe because I wanted to stay so I can have a life here with the bf? Nvm that.

But what about where I am now? I feel I have no goals and I feel like I am going nowhere. And I am perfectly NOT fine with that. When I thought I could get out of it, with a blink of an eye, I am back.

Applying for jobs, I am. Secretly. Doesn't look like I'm trying, but I am fucking trying. And I'm applying for one that I WANT and not just because. Why another situation? Sure, everywhere would be the same. Same unfair boss, same asshole behaviour from colleagues, same everything. But atleast one thing is for sure, I like what I do and that is more than enough for me. I used to like what I do, when I was a small fry in Uni, being in the norm like every uni student. But now? Now I feel complacent at where I am. I feel redundant to my future and family. I can't fucking get out of it and I dunno why?????

I am constantly reminded of this every damn fucking day. And every damn fucking day I brush it off and move on. Plaster a smile on my face and say there is still hope. Until this....

"Your five cents change sir, have a nice day! :DDDDDDD"

"Its fine, keep it. You need it more than I do."

Talk about ouch.